What’s on my mind

Once in every three years, the oppressed are given the opportunity to choose among their oppressors. The powerless are given the chance to exercise their right to vote and select among those who are powerful. Citizens manifest their right to suffrage while the political vultures anticipate for those individual rights to be finally consolidated and therefore use these sacred rights for the furtherance and for the protection of their political, economic and familial interests.

Election is the most important element that comprises democracy. Despondently, this representation of liberty has been for the longest time seriously contaminated by an airborne disease that spreads like plague upon release. This democratic exercise of every citizen is good only for a day because in the long run, this exercise itself shall be utilized for the oligarchic practices of the tyrants. This can never be denied; no one on earth can ever repudiate. Last elections was like a public auction wherein the highest bidder wins. Why the hell would a single senatorial candidate spend as much as 300 million pesos for a position that only earns 35 thousand pesos a month? These abhorrent politicians are prepared to spend, steal and kill just for the honor of serving the country? How outrageous!

The worst of Philippine politics spawns every season of elections. It is the very orgasm of the heinous power interplays that has already been institutionalized as a norm in the Philippine political scenario evident every single day. To mention instances does not seem necessary to fortify my argument because the culture of impunity and injustice is obvious. These two things I have just said are the pillars pierced and heavily entrenched in the very heart of our democracy that makes it bleed; as long as it does not get uprooted, then we shall always be at the brink of death. The culture of impunity and injustice is when leaders cloaked in the splendor of their power and authority are free to defy law and alter it, knowing that nobody in this world can ever touch them especially in a country anesthetized by never ending shrilling stories like these. Stories like the marginalized indigenous tribes such as the Mangyans in Mindoro being bought and coerced to vote for an incumbent mayor. How incongruous it is to see that during ordinary days these people are marginalized and yet during elections they are being prioritized. The schoolhouse in one of the towns in Batangas being burned by special operations’ policemen in order to induce a declaration of an election failure; it is extremely despicable to hear policemen do special operations in ordinary days and do “extra-special” operations during elections. And, the grandest and the most glamorous of them all- Gloria, the most powerful call center agent in the Philippines, called Garci several times, asking him if she could still lead against FPJ by one million votes. These, I will never forget and it is indeed something I can never stomach as a citizen. These accounts are the macrocosm or the bigger screen of real politics that represents what is happening in the smaller context of our daily lives.

In all of these, I have realized this- to be numb is not forever, for every blatant insult to liberty, equality and democracy shall one day result to what was just as unimaginable turn out that favored Grace Padaca in Isabela and Fr. Ed Panlilio in Pampanga. These were individuals who faced adversaries as huge as Gloria (not literal of course!) and as powerful as the lords of lands and jueteng. Nonetheless, they have shown the whole world that their principles were larger than life which were enough to put an end to oppression and enough to start change. Certainly, if we ourselves continue to be apathetic and do not particularly care of what happens to it, then we might as well stop pretending to be a country that still cares about justice and democracy. However, if we do not fail to see hope in this, let us join the crusade, a crusade enough to spark a positive upheaval. For it is the beauty of democracy- once it finally gets infuriated, it endangers those few who squanders and monopolizes power, power that actually does not absolutely belong to them in the first place. Now that democracy is on the brink of flashpoint, it only takes a spark to ignite an explosion more devastating than previous historical revolutions.

One of the things that never fails to fascinate me, most especially in dull moments, is to watch CSI Miami. Crime is certainly an everyday scenario, however because of the Miami-Dade Police with its crime scene experts and highly-sophisticated crime lab, no single evidence escapes and the culprits constantly end up in jail. I tell you, this is the reason why I have sleepless nights as of the moment; and it is not because of its traumatic ingredient, but because of its plot that strongly emanates brilliance and intelligence.

One morning, Lt. Horatio Caine, the chief criminologist was in the middle of a crime scene, and in that scene was a corpse (dead body) who allegedly was a drug pusher. In the course of their devout investigation, a man hiding on top of the roof suddenly became the cynosure as he fell above the corpse. Then the commotion intensified as Horatio commanded the unknown person to yield. Out of the blue, while the man was being handcuffed, he disclosed a sensitive information, thinking that he would deflect the issue and be considered as a witness instead of a suspect. “You know about one of your CSIs; the Cubano guy? Eric Delko? He’s smoking pot… He’s buying drugs from me… Horatio, Eric’s good boss, explicitly trying to make his bewilderment implicit asked the suspect; without hesitation the suspect showed Eric’s mobile number. “You got it from the internet, did you?” asked one of the investigators. “Nope, I didn’t.” It’s his personal number, the man replied. In order to validate the suspect’s statement, Horatio dialed it up and the recorded voice of Eric was heard for voice messaging purposes, making the suspect’s allegations plausible. 

While the suspect was being interrogated regarding his participation in the murder, Eric, one of the CSIs who was accused of purchasing drugs from the suspect was entering the crime lab. Surprisingly, the suspect’s eyes and his’ met up. Eric was dumbfounded and astonished as worlds collide; he actually did not know what to do. He could lose his job and suffer from humiliation and trial by publicity. “You are buying drugs from him Eric?” Horatio asked? Yes, Eric replied and said that it was under extenuating circumstances. He confided to Horatio that he was only doing it for her sister Marisol who necessitated pain alleviation because of her leukemia which Horatio found later to be true. Nonetheless, it was a big deal at that moment and it resulted to further investigations administered by one of Horatio’s fiercest promotion rival in the lab- Rick.

Now let us set aside the murder case, because it is irrelevant to where I’m heading to. I want to focus on Eric Delkos’s case. Sgt. Rick wanted to be at Horatio’s post, but he failed. Because of this, he was too eager to capitalize on Eric’s purchase of drugs in order to drag Horatio’s name into trouble.

This was how it went:

(Rick emerging in the scene)

Horatio: What’s this Rick?

Rick: I’m just doing my job Horatio. (Then he looks to Eric) You popped positive for THC, that’s a key ingredient in Marijuana.

Rick interrogating one of Eric’s colleagues:

Rick: Sure you’ve heard about the investigation about Eric Delko?

Colleague: It’s kinda brutal isn’t it? We’re all cops here?

Rick: That’s why it has to be brutal. As moral governors of the community, we should be held to a higher standard.

Oh well, Rick indeed had a point. What Eric did was illegal, illegitimate and unacceptable to the standards of the institution. It was just right to apprehend Eric because he did not adhere to certain institutional norms. But he did not take into account the extenuating or the justifying circumstances that Eric had. The reason was, unlike Horatio, Eric’s well-loved superior; Rick did not know the true character of Eric.

In policy analysis, there is what we call “problem tracing.” This is the art of knowing the main problem. It is like a doctor diagnosing a certain ailment. When a problem arises, the doctor, the policy analyst, the leader or whoever he is, must not simply settle to the perceived ailment and then prescribe a solution because this may only be the symptoms to bigger problems or sickness. For example, people may perceive that the biggest problem of the Philippine Public School System is the incompetence of its teachers however, if you are going to make a problem tracing, the main problem is not the incompetence of the teachers but it leads to the cause that there is an insufficiency in the government’s budget to train and educate the teachers. Thus, by doing this, it will indeed direct you to come up with the main problem that requires solution.

Here’s another encounter (when Eric had to be brought to a more serious investigation):

Horatio: Rick, where are you taking Eric?

Rick: He popped positive Horatio.

Horatio: I’m sure there is an explanation.

Rick: He’s going to the IAB for investigation.

Horatio: He knows the way.

Rick: Protocol says…. (Interrupted by Horatio)

Horatio: I don’t care about protocol, He’s not a criminal.

Rick: I’m not saying he is; I’m just saying procedure states that he not drive a county vehicle

Horatio: Then I will drive him.

I believe in the concept of protocol. It organizes and it does not make anarchy possible. Protocol is underpinned by normative pressures that exist within the internal organization itself or outside the organization. Protocols are basically set for the purpose of propriety. This was what Rick was trying to brag about. He insisted on the idea of protocol at the expense of the number of years Eric had served and had proven to be committed, excellent, competent and faithful.

I reiterate that I believe in the concept of protocol and it has to be enforced. However, I believe that protocol has to apply to all. The arbitrary application or administration of protocol results to greater damage and it aggravates chaotic situation. Protocol covers a lot of issues, and once it starts to be applicable not only for those whose influence are diminutive, many shall fall short. I think this is the purpose why Christ abolished all the most complicated protocols of Moses and was nailed on the cross and made us live under grace because if He did not do so, all shall perish. If God was our boss, and he bragged about the heavenly protocols, many shall be under probation, disciplined, relieved or even fired. Thank God, His grace is so evident now. Thank God, He accepts me just as I am and making me better everyday.

Rick saw the illegality of what Erick did; Horatio saw the goodness of Eric’s heart. Fortunately, Eric was not relieved because there were flaws on how the investigation was done. The investigation could not prove the activeness of Eric’s use of marijuana (wherein, it was really her sister using it). Secondly, in which the protocol certainly gives a great deal of consideration: the credibility of the one who testifies must be unquestionable. I don’t give a damn about whether Eric used drugs or not, but what I’m trying to say is protocols can always be pinned down by another set of protocols until everybody insists that they are the ones who are right and eventually everybody becomes losers.

Eric stumbled, it must not happen again. He had to be responsible and at the same time it was his accountability. But the consequences were not proportional to the act itself. As if, he committed genocide, something very atrocious to humankind or evil that necessitated such mortification. He committed something wrong but he did not deserve to be treated like a criminal. However, I know now for sure that things are starting to become better for him as he begins to pick himself up.

If it has to be cave, then so be it. If it has to be lonely, obscure and dark, then let it be. Light does not always necessarily have to be present in order for us to see things more clearly because there is a dimension far beyond what the eyes can see at a given moment; there is a place that we surely need to experience, a place too far that even light can not reach or touch. This is where you cry in great despair and nobody hears; you shout in bitterness and frustration but no one notices you. On the other hand, this can also be the best place for the recuperation of a dying soul and for the restoration of an aching heart. This cave buried deep inside might probably be the most abandoned and most forlorn place as it may seem but eventually, it turns out to be a haven where the human heart finds refuge.

Every person, especially when he’s too exhausted and beaten, intrinsically seeks for a place where he can be whatever it is he is and occasionally, when the propensity of his vulnerability is too intense, he finds himself resorting to the counterfeit, yet a venue that does not demand for explanations.

This is the reason why sometimes, in my own opinion (which i am entitled to) it is more enjoyable to spend time in neighborhood bars and coffee shops because it allows us to be at ease and tell others what we feel  and eventually say: "I’m sunk, I’m beat, I’m broke!" than to go to some sort of fellowships that enhance our theological sophistication. Despite my unworthiness to quote him, I am dead sure of Christ’s intention when He established the Church. I believe it was intended first and foremost to induce us to humble ourselves and finally admit that we are badly in need; that we are weak and that we are nothing. No pretense, no hypocrisy. This mere admission is the springboard for true liberation and healing. Apparently, a person who’s sick and tired needs a freakin refuge, ears that listen, a tap on the back and affection more than anything else.

Dreams and aspirations rise in the sky as the new year emerges. People of different stature are in great anticipation of the things in store for them. As if, there is something so significant in a new year, so significant that it surpasses our power and capacity to determine the direction of our lives at any given day of the year. This is why, obviously just like me, many (meaning not all!) are disappointed.  Disappointed because they (including me) have entrusted their lives on their delusions.

Now, i have discovered that it is important to know what is deep inside you, what is buried underneath your very soul. However, another thing should also never be neglected. It is knowing that what we do and what manifests in us are also determinants of who we are and what we will be in the future.

Previous months were so desperate and bloody. I thought I woudn’t survive. There were days I even wished that those I love, things  I do and the places I go never existed at all, so that I would be spared the pain that percolates in me now.  Chuck Swindoll once said, "the conversion of the soul is the miracle of the moment, but the making of a saint is a task of a lifetime’. It is not my dream to become worthy to be called a saint, but  atleast to have a taste of what lifetime ought to be in the perspective of the one who truly gives life. Indeed, inspite of the absence of light in this cave, I would rather choose to loose sight of my surroundings as of the moment than to eternally loose sight of the bigger perspective, the world, and the true significance of life. I remember what Bruce Wayne’s father usually tells him whenever he falls, " we fall so that we may learn to pick ourselves up."

Eversince, I wasn’t really giving time on you; I took you for granted and I even entertained misconceptions about you. Indeed, every single soul and the contextual world it circumnavigates is indeed a microcosm or atleast is similar to the philippine political scenery of relativity, variegated interests, turncoatism and rent seeking. In these days of uncertainty however, you were always there to be a haven of acceptance that never demanded for elucidation or details. Albeit when your charisma struck, when your spirit emerged in an irrepressible proponderance, surely, everyone would just divulge in the underlying assumption of trust and solidarity.  When the world had a lot to say, you were there to lend your ears. You knew how to celebrate, and the mannner on how you made us celebrate was superior. On the other hand, you were also there in the most melancholic and lackluster days. What was right and who was accountable was important to you, you even rebuked, but for you, those were subsidiary, because you understood that it was I that mattered and our relationship was far more significant and imperative. You gave me confidence to repudiate any stain of pretense and atleast even for a moment you offered me an assurance of companionship. Thank you… (for being there in good times and in bad) =)

it seems too insurmountable for me as of the moment to figure out the very first step in order to fly again. I admit, I already forgot the art of spreading my wings and several times, I just wanted to believe this gigantic monster inside of me shouting: "you will never be able to fly again." Despondently, at this point in time, I am at the verge of accepting that staus quo, at the edge of making a decision that maybe it is time for a retreat and then anticipate the concluding blows that can finally necessitate me to fall on my knees.

Everybody wants to fly and everybody always looks up in admiration to those who are above, thus I speculate that this is the reason why they usually step on those who are eating the dust below them.

Neither peterpan nor tinkerbell is around; superman is a busy one and I would like you to introduce me to someone who knows to soar above beyond the clouds of terror. If you know one, please do so…

For my heart is beating faster and I am just pragmatically trying to catch my breath. For gone are the days that days are the ones that take my breath away, instead, I am loosing my breath every single day.

"Inner healing is more often progressive and gradual in order for us to better appreciate it and its process."

There are times I choose to stay alone. I know many of you feel that sometimes. Ansarap naman kasi kung minsan na tumanga lang eh. When no one bothers you; when nobedy nags you; yung wala kang kelangang pakisamahan; when you can be yourself and try to discover things on your own.

This is my habit, especially in La Salle, puro naunahan na nila kasi ko grumadwet eh, samantalang ako sa January pa. (hindi ko maintindihan bakit kasi kelangan pa ng math eh.. Hehe). I love to stay alone especially in this one place where I can just sit, bum, think about all the good things, the accomplishments, my friends, the people I love, my future, things I still want to achieve  and also the bad things, my hurts, my bitterness and all my failures in life.

One day, when everything was simultaneously passing through my mind, it reached the point wherein it became so vulnerable that i just suddenly felt that it was already my heart dealing with it, it started to discover the very root of who I am today. I was able to understand that the things I feel and experience today are mere symptoms of the innermost infirmities that I had, eversince I was being conceived in my mother’s womb. I realized that when these deep hurts and wounds were inflicted upon me, these were beyond my control, thus if these were beyond my control, then inner healing can not also be appropriated by my own capacity. It can not be taken away by therapy; it can not be taken away when you compensate it with artificial solutions.. Until now, I still do not fully know the exact time of the total eradication of my deep wounds.. Its reason is also beyond ny comprehension. But I will wait… I see this as an opportunity for the best things. I actually do not know the necessary process of this inner healing. However, gradually and progressively I will understand. For now, the stage where I am is just the process of discovery but not an entire discovery. Where do I go from here? Honestly, I do not know, I will simply wait and trust because the conspiracy of the whole universe against me is not for my destruction but for me to be broken until I am ready to handle the future glory..   

malakas ang bagsak ng ulan

mukhang umuulan sa buong daigdig

para bang walang katapusan

dinig ang buhos sa lahat ng panig

nais ko lang ay masumpungan

ang matamis mong pag-ibig

upang sa paglitaw ng araw at buwan

ikaw ay aking hahagkan

unti-unting humihina

parang nagbibigay pag-asang ngayo’y makakamit

puso’y bumibilis ang pintig sa nalalapit nitong pagtila

ngunit may lakas pa palang taglay sa iilang saglit

kailan nga ba sinta na ika’y muling makikita?

In our most dreary moments, when everything seems to be falling apart and when reality inexorably bombards us, it is indeed the moment when the deepest principle buried deep within us becomes unleashed,our character tested, and our hearts exposed.

After a great encounter with the divine, or an awesome "Christian experience", we have no other direction but to be re-immersed into the inevitable realities of life; a life of cruelty, pain, suffering, injustice or even simpler things but with the same degree of irritation such as obscurity ( a life when no one appreciates or lauds you) and monotony ( boredom, routines). Certainly, these things are meant to fuck us up and to inflict pain on our asses…

Nevertheless, it is what we perceive in the dimension of the flesh but to the ones who are really intimate to the divine, it does not stop to mere perception or feeling, it transcends to the heart until it becomes a revelation. You will surely fail when you escape, moreover, you still fail when you face it head-on by yourself, but to those who wait, hope and believe, I tell you… MIRACLE IS ON ITS WAY

But when it (miracle) arrives, it is not intended for you to linger on it, but only facilitates you to a higher level of maturity. I am 100% sure that when you do not stop being preoccupied by these miracles, it will only lead you to destruction. The "miracle experience" comes with a new revelation, and only those who are relentless to know the revelation are the ones who will comprehend.. Remember, miracles only alter reality but still the finality is JESUS.

Note: For more insights, read John 21:1-14
HAVE A NICE DAY..